My girls have gone on a mission's trip for the next four days and I have the house to myself during the daytime. Bliss!
I posted in January that I wanted to get back to blogging on a regular basis, but since that was only three posts ago, you can see it didn't happen as I had hoped. I had health issues and travel throughout January, February and March. Then in April and May, I went to my parents' house in Virginia to help out as much as I could. I returned in mid-June to help care for my Dad in the hospital, which I did for over two weeks, but sadly, he passed away on July 2nd. I then spent a couple more weeks with my mom helping her through the funeral, with events in two states, and then in transitioning to living alone. I came home this past weekend. At this point, 2016 has been a blur.
Have you ever had years like that? I'm weary. Weary, but not without hope or peace. My father was a strong believer in Jesus Christ and longed to go to heaven. I miss him desperately; we were kindred spirits and he was the one person in my life who "spoke my language."(meaning "blunt!")
I know grief takes time and that the amount of crying will diminish, but I came home with the desire to LIVE. I journaled today that I'm tired of my procrastination, excuse-making and apathy. I'm tired of the sabotages, by others, but mostly by myself. I'm tired of my sinful disobedience. I've thought that I'm being too hard on myself during this time of grief, but I don't think so. I think I need to use it as a wake-up call. If not now, when? I am giving myself grace each day; I'm not striving for perfection, but I am striving for growth. Striving for more self-discipline. Praying for His help in this area since it is a Fruit of the Spirit.
Life is short. I don't want to waste it.
My husband and I put together a video montage of my dad's life. He accomplished a lot and went to many places around the world. His life was full. If I had to put together a montage of my life so far, would I be pleased? In some ways yes, in other ways, no. I know we'd all say that, including my Dad, but I'm just hungry for purposeful living. Not for hanging out on the couch watching tv. Not for playing computer games because I don't want to dust, mop or clean a bathroom. Can anyone relate?
I had to laugh to myself, because while I feel this way, I do acknowledge that the Olympics begin on August 5th. When the Olympics are broadcasted, the tv is on every night in our house (and sometimes during the daytime). We sit and watch other people strive for their dreams and fight for the goals they've sought to achieve. While we S-I-T. I just don't know if I can do that right now, but my youngest daughter has just entered the world of competitive gymnastics and I certainly can't put a ban on watching Gabby Douglas or Simone Biles. Those female athletes fuel the dreams of my child! So, what do I do?
As you can imagine, being away from home for over a month has made my to-do list insanely long. I am overwhelmed by all the tasks screaming for attention. I've been methodically plodding away (more often than not trying to check the urgent ones off the list), but I've felt like I don't have any time for me. When you are in the first stages of grief, you need ME TIME, for sure. Yesterday I spent 1 hour working on the to-do list, then 1 hour doing something that filled my spirit. When I hit the month-long mail pile that took 2.5 hours to get through, I turned on a DIY show as background noise. It was hard not to enjoy the mail while watching Vanilla Ice doing crazy things to a house! The idea of going back and forth really worked for me and I'm going to try to employ that give and take until we get back into our school routine for the fall.
A long to-do list is still a lot of mental pressure for me. I can feel sick to my stomach. So today I came up with a question to ask myself when looking down the list, "If this task had to wait, what's the worst that could happen?" I just need to prioritize and I think that question will help.
Back to the Olympics...sometime before the 5th, I'm going to dig out a highlighter and mark what tasks can be done while sitting with my family watching the Olympics. Crocheting is nice, but I need to get some things done. Thank you notes can be written, email can be cleaned out, photos can be edited and saved, bills can be paid, magazines can be looked through, ironing can get done. (blech!) If I purpose to do what I can, I can still enjoy watching others reach for their dreams without guilt!
Do you have any tricks/ways that help you live with purpose? I'd love to hear about them.
Thanks for stopping by,