At first I was surprised how gleeful I felt in closing out 2014, but as I look back over the year, the reality of what occurred made the sendoff evoke more of a "duh" response.
I haven't blogged for months. The life I have been living has been difficult so that sharing ANYTHING, whether it be about my circumstances or just disconnected trivial fodder, was impossible. Some of my readers are directly impacted by the same experiences so even if I wanted to get on my blog and share my point-of-view, it would have probably been misconstrued and caused more problems. So, I greatly longed to just have 2014 come to an end! Hasta la vista!!
There have been many lessons learned in 2014 and I wish I could have seen beyond myself to share them with you along the way, but this has probably been the second hardest year of my life. I just didn't have it in me to share the journey, except with a few close friends and family. I've often questioned whether it meant that I could truly be vulnerable, transparent, etc. There have been a lot of questions and life lessons, but in it, I have grown fond of the phrase in Luke that says Mary, the mother of Jesus, "pondered these things in her heart." That's what I've had to do over and over again.
You live through hard times, you ponder what it all means and it can sometimes feel like you will never leave the dark cave. I miss blogging and reading the blogs of other friends/family, but I could never seem to find a way out of the dark and get back to the lightheartedness I enjoyed in the sharing of everyday life. Then yesterday happened...the last day of the year.
I ended up in the emergency room about 7:30am. I have bad knees, and while sometimes they've slowed me down, they've never stopped me in my tracks. Yesterday I could not bear weight on my left leg and the pain was about a 12 on the 1-10 scale. So off we went to the ER. I'm so thankful that there were not, as far as we could tell, any torn ligaments, but the x-ray did reveal several problems, the most comprehensive diagnosis that I have moderate-severe osteoarthritis. I was told my episodes with my knees were not going to get better, only worse and that I needed to make friends with an orthopedist. I was sent home with heavy-duty pain meds and instructions to rest.
The last day of the year gave entertainment to all who had any interaction with the highly-medicated me. From the hospital receptionist when asking for my credit card to pay my co-pay and asked if "she could get that for me?" and I answered, "Oh, sure, you want to pay my bill?" (Mark gasped a little!) to my daughter who said that in my sleep I said, "I want to get in a long boat with Ashley and eat corndogs." What?? I also asked why the cow's nose was so long (not a cow in sight!) and asked if I could purchase a devotional for one of my daughter's Jr. High male friends. She assured me he probably already had one and I answered like a scolded two-year-old, "Ok, fine!" Dec. 31st was filled with laughter at my expense, but I know it had to be pretty entertaining. I do remember saying, "I think I'm a nicer person on drugs!" Let's hope not!
While it made a memorable end to 2014, overnight I gave up the narcotics and switched to OTC drugs so I haven't been quite as entertaining today. Thank goodness!
Somehow yesterday's events summed up my year for me. 2014 was hard and painful, but if you didn't find something to keep you laughing and give you hope, you weren't going to make it. People have been helpful along the way and maybe that's what I should have written about, but sometimes the pain is so overwhelming, you can only hold on to the hope for yourself. It's beyond you to share it.
I pray that 2015 will bring a little more rest and healing. The Lord has been ever faithful in 2014. He HAS healed those who I dearly love and were near death. He has carried us to a new state and a completely new way of life. He has been a friend that sticks closer to a brother when there were no friends readily available. He has given me purpose when what I thought was my purpose was taken from me. He has given me a joy and hunger for Him, because when you desperately need Him, HE CAN BE FOUND. He has promised His love is far greater and far more reaching than my own so that when I don't have any more to give, He is there to fill in the gaps. He IS faithful!
So, while I emotionally can't rehash the events of 2014, I look to 2015 with joy and praise Him for what He will do. It will surely be filled with His amazing works, no matter the circumstances.