Half A Year Down and an Olympic Strategy

My girls have gone on a mission's trip for the next four days and I have the house to myself during the daytime. Bliss!

I posted in January that I wanted to get back to blogging on a regular basis, but since that was only three posts ago, you can see it didn't happen as I had hoped. I had health issues and travel throughout January, February and March. Then in April and May, I went to my parents' house in Virginia to help out as much as I could.  I returned in mid-June to help care for my Dad in the hospital, which I did for over two weeks, but sadly, he passed away on July 2nd. I then spent a couple more weeks with my mom helping her through the funeral, with events in two states, and then in transitioning to living alone. I came home this past weekend. At this point, 2016 has been a blur.

Have you ever had years like that? I'm weary. Weary, but not without hope or peace. My father was a strong believer in Jesus Christ and longed to go to heaven. I miss him desperately; we were kindred spirits and he was the one person in my life who "spoke my language."(meaning "blunt!")

I know grief takes time and that the amount of crying will diminish, but I came home with the desire to LIVE.  I journaled today that I'm tired of my procrastination, excuse-making and apathy. I'm tired of the sabotages, by others, but mostly by myself. I'm tired of my sinful disobedience. I've thought that I'm being too hard on myself during this time of grief, but I don't think so. I think I need to use it as a wake-up call. If not now, when? I am giving myself grace each day; I'm not striving for perfection, but I am striving for growth. Striving for more self-discipline. Praying for His help in this area since it is a Fruit of the Spirit.

Life is short. I don't want to waste it.

My husband and I put together a video montage of my dad's life. He accomplished a lot and went to many places around the world. His life was full. If I had to put together a montage of my life so far, would I be pleased? In some ways yes, in other ways, no. I know we'd all say that, including my Dad, but I'm just hungry for purposeful living. Not for hanging out on the couch watching tv. Not for playing computer games because I don't want to dust, mop or clean a bathroom. Can anyone relate?

I had to laugh to myself, because while I feel this way, I do acknowledge that the Olympics begin on August 5th. When the Olympics are broadcasted, the tv is on every night in our house (and sometimes during the daytime).  We sit and watch other people strive for their dreams and fight for the goals they've sought to achieve. While we S-I-T.  I just don't know if I can do that right now, but my youngest daughter has just entered the world of competitive gymnastics and I certainly can't put a ban on watching Gabby Douglas or Simone Biles. Those female athletes fuel the dreams of my child! So, what do I do?

As you can imagine, being away from home for over a month has made my to-do list insanely long. I am overwhelmed by all the tasks screaming for attention. I've been methodically plodding away (more often than not trying to check the urgent ones off the list), but I've felt like I don't have any time for me. When you are in the first stages of grief, you need ME TIME, for sure. Yesterday I spent 1 hour working on the to-do list, then 1 hour doing something that filled my spirit. When I hit the month-long mail pile that took 2.5 hours to get through, I turned on a DIY show as background noise. It was hard not to enjoy the mail while watching Vanilla Ice doing crazy things to a house!  The idea of going back and forth really worked for me and I'm going to try to employ that give and take until we get back into our school routine for the fall.

A long to-do list is still a lot of mental pressure for me. I can feel sick to my stomach. So today I came up with a question to ask myself when looking down the list, "If this task had to wait, what's the worst that could happen?" I just need to prioritize and I think that question will help.

Back to the Olympics...sometime before the 5th, I'm going to dig out a highlighter and mark what tasks can be done while sitting with my family watching the Olympics. Crocheting is nice, but I need to get some things done.  Thank you notes can be written, email can be cleaned out, photos can be edited and saved, bills can be paid, magazines can be looked through, ironing can get done. (blech!) If I purpose to do what I can, I can still enjoy watching others reach for their dreams without guilt!

Do you have any tricks/ways that help you live with purpose? I'd love to hear about them.

Thanks for stopping by,

Good-bye 2014!

At first I was surprised how gleeful I felt in closing out 2014, but as I look back over the year, the reality of what occurred made the sendoff evoke more of a "duh" response.  

I haven't blogged for months. The life I have been living has been difficult so that sharing ANYTHING, whether it be about my circumstances or just disconnected trivial fodder, was impossible.  Some of my readers are directly impacted by the same experiences so even if I wanted to get on my blog and share my point-of-view, it would have probably been misconstrued and caused more problems.  So, I greatly longed to just have 2014 come to an end! Hasta la vista!!

There have been many lessons learned in 2014 and I wish I could have seen beyond myself to share them with you along the way, but this has probably been the second hardest year of my life. I just didn't have it in me to share the journey, except with a few close friends and family. I've often questioned whether it meant that I could truly be vulnerable, transparent, etc.  There have been a lot of questions and life lessons, but in it, I have grown fond of the phrase in Luke that says Mary, the mother of Jesus, "pondered these things in her heart." That's what I've had to do over and over again. 

You live through hard times, you ponder what it all means and it can sometimes feel like you will never leave the dark cave.  I miss blogging and reading the blogs of other friends/family, but I could never seem to find a way out of the dark and get back to the lightheartedness I enjoyed in the sharing of everyday life.  Then yesterday happened...the last day of the year.

I ended up in the emergency room about 7:30am. I have bad knees, and while sometimes they've slowed me down, they've never stopped me in my tracks. Yesterday I could not bear weight on my left leg and the pain was about a 12 on the 1-10 scale. So off we went to the ER.  I'm so thankful that there were not, as far as we could tell, any torn ligaments, but the x-ray did reveal several problems, the most comprehensive diagnosis that I have moderate-severe osteoarthritis. I was told my episodes with my knees were not going to get better, only worse and that I needed to make friends with an orthopedist. I was sent home with heavy-duty pain meds and instructions to rest. 

The last day of the year gave entertainment to all who had any interaction with the highly-medicated me. From the hospital receptionist when asking for my credit card to pay my co-pay and asked if "she could get that for me?" and I answered, "Oh, sure, you want to pay my bill?" (Mark gasped a little!) to my daughter who said that in my sleep I said, "I want to get in a long boat with Ashley and eat corndogs." What??  I also asked why the cow's nose was so long (not a cow in sight!) and asked if I could purchase a devotional for one of my daughter's Jr. High male friends. She assured me he probably already had one and I answered like a scolded two-year-old, "Ok, fine!"  Dec. 31st was filled with laughter at my expense, but I know it had to be pretty entertaining. I do remember saying, "I think I'm a nicer person on drugs!" Let's hope not!

While it made a memorable end to 2014, overnight I gave up the narcotics and switched to OTC drugs so I haven't been quite as entertaining today. Thank goodness!

Somehow yesterday's events summed up my year for me. 2014 was hard and painful, but if you didn't find something to keep you laughing and give you hope, you weren't going to make it. People have been helpful along the way and maybe that's what I should have written about, but sometimes the pain is so overwhelming, you can only hold on to the hope for yourself. It's beyond you to share it.

I pray that 2015 will bring a little more rest and healing. The Lord has been ever faithful in 2014. He HAS healed those who I dearly love and were near death. He has carried us to a new state and a completely new way of life. He has been a friend that sticks closer to a brother when there were no friends readily available. He has given me purpose when what I thought was my purpose was taken from me. He has given me a joy and hunger for Him, because when you desperately need Him, HE CAN BE FOUND.  He has promised His love is far greater and far more reaching than my own so that when I don't have any more to give, He is there to fill in the gaps.  He IS faithful!

So, while I emotionally can't rehash the events of 2014, I look to 2015 with joy and praise Him for what He will do. It will surely be filled with His amazing works, no matter the circumstances.

Busy for What?

I'm an avid goal maker and I've kept records of monthly goals that I've set for the past two years. Don't worry, I'm not "super-something" I'm much better at making goals than I am at achieving them. However, having a plan is in my DNA so I have plans... in an organized binder. Sheezh.

Anyway, in March I looked back at the Aprils/Mays of 2012 and 2013 and found that I didn't really accomplish much. I wondered why and thought I would take 2014 to try and figure it out.

Here it is, May 5th, and I've got the answer. Everything winds down for me during those two months, every extra curricular, that is. We have parties, plays, sports, graduations, work events, birthdays - you name it, we cram it all into April/May. Usually every weekend is full and I move from one major event to the next, wondering when I will catch a quiet moment.  I start resenting all that needs done to pull of the next big thing, when I really just want to spend a little one on one with those I love. Needless to say, goals don't stand a chance.  Sure, some of the busyness is self-imposed. Spring arrives and you just want to do something!  I just have too many somethings to do!  It seems many women I know feel the same way.

We long for summer days, thinking that life will slow down, but then you'll hear us in September wondering where all those summer days went.

I have to admit, I'm kind of sick of waiting for life to slow down. Life happens and with kids it's usually at a frantic pace. The laundry and cooking are always beckoning, throw in some sickness (love ya' allergies) and end-of-year events where everyone is appreciated with a homemade gift and it feels like the pace we find at Christmas! However, in May there isn't a sparkly tree to enjoy before collapsing into bed.

I find I just want to make some meaningful memories. The typical end-of-school-year traditions help us track time, but how many award ceremonies can our photo albums hold? As adults we more than likely don't have our childhood trophies and or fabulous memories of closing ceremonies. Obviously, I enjoy seeing my kid's participate, but I don't want to fill up all my time with activity that doesn't have lasting meaning. That includes my goals, too.

I want to be purposeful and personal when thinking about what I really want to spend my time doing. I want to have friends over, make smores around the campfires, lay on a blanket and look at the stars. I want to make homemade lip gloss and play dough. I want to read books with two tween girls who snuggle their just-showered wet-heads against my shoulders. I want to turn OFF the tv. I want to ride a tractor and listen to inspiring Christian music so when I get off all sweaty and dirty, I just don't care because I've spent time in worship. I want to be brave and swim in the pool even when it feels like an iceberg should be floating by.

Life. I just want to create memories that we all will cherish. I don't want to let another month go by where I've faced all that's come at me, but I can barely remember anything that was worth cherishing.  I want to enjoy my family and friends.  I want to enjoy life.

Pure Thankfulness

I'll be spending a few days with An Ordinary Hausfrau participating in 30 Days of Thanks.

I teach three classes at our Homeschool CoOp on Thursdays. I teach Choir for 1st - 3rd grade, Home Design & Decorating for Jr. High & High School girls, and Handbells for 4th-8th grade.  By the end of the morning I'm tired to say the least, but I get such joy being in the classroom!  I look forward to every Thursday with my students.

This summer when I was praying about what to teach in my classes, the Lord impressed upon me to begin each class period with devotions. I balked at first since we only have once a week to study and prepare for a concert, but when I realized I had an opportunity to share the Word with over 50 kids every week it dawned on me that there could be lasting impact from the devotions far more than anything else I would teach them. Saying "yes" to the Lord seemed like a "duh!"

Today our devotions centered around being thankful. I asked each student to share one thing they were thankful for and to use the month of November to practice thankfulness.  Their answers were sweet.  Many said they were thankful for "God," "Jesus," "my parents," which is wonderful, but I had to coax a few younger kids to really think about something.  One little girl was complaining about her brother and I said, "Ok, let's think of something you could be thankful for regarding your brother." She answered, "Well, he gave me half of his candy bar that he won for saying verses in church." I said, "That was very generous of him, wasn't it?" She answered, "Yes, but ..."  I immediately was struck with the thought about how often in my own mind and heart I say,  "I'm thankful for ____, but..."

This month I think I'll try to just be thankful (period). No buts...

No "thanks for bringing me flowers, but you know I don't like those kind." (Yep, I've said that!)

No "thanks for sweeping the floor without being asked, but how about your other chores?"

No "thanks for cooking dinner, but what about the mess you left behind?"

No "thanks for fixing _____, but when will you get to ________?"

This month I think I'll just practice "Thank You!"

Sharing devotions with my students might have more of a lasting impact on me, don't you think?!

September 1st

 

I wrote in my journal today that there is quite a BIG mental shift for me between August 31st and September 1st...summer to fall. Is there for you?

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE autumn. It is my favorite season. I love the cool nights that segue into cooler days. I love the changing colors. I love the scents we associate with fall...cinnamon, apple, spices. I love the new school year. I love making molasses cookies, soups and bread. I just LOVE fall.

This morning the daily reading from Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach resonated with me so I thought I would share it with you.

Turning Over a New Leaf

Autumn to winter, winter to spring,
Spring into summer, summer into fall -
So rolls the changing year, and so we change;
Motion so swift, we know not that we move. - Dinah Murlock Craik

Since ancient times, September has been viewed as the beginning of the new year, a time for reflection and resolution. Jews observe the High Holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of public and private atonement, a sacred withdrawal from the world for twenty-four hours in order to become right with God and others, so that real life might be renewed with passion and purpose.

Change in the natural world is subtle but relentless; seasons seem to give way gently to one another, even if the monthly motion is so swift we don't realize we're moving. But when the leaves start turning colors, it's time for turning over a personal new leaf so that our lives might be restored. "What we need in autumn is an emotional or spiritual shot in the arm," Katharine Elizabeth Fite wrote in Good Housekeeping in 1949, urging the beginning of a new tradition for women: personal and positive resolutions in September. "Why do you suppose so many of us waste the autumn? Why don't we make the effort that would provide something new in our lives?" January's negative resolutions "are made when we are worn out in spirit, body, and pocketbook, and have no real urge to do anything but rest."

It seems to me that January resolutions are about will; September resolutions are about authentic wants. What do you want more or less of in your life, so that you can love the life you're leading? It could be as simple as seeing friends more often, setting aside time to have adventures with your children while they still want your companionship, rekindling romance in your daily round, calling a solitary hour a day your own, or just taking more walks in the dazzling sunshine.

The beauty of autumnal resolutions is that no one else knows we're making them. Autumnal resolutions don't require horns, confetti, and champagne. September resolutions ask only that we be open to positive change. I can try to do that. So can you.

Questions for 2011 Reflection

Yesterday I did a lot of blog reading and ran across some questions for 2011 reflection. I didn't make note of where I got the questions and I can't find them again this morning after much searching. So...if you read my blog and realize that I "borrowed" these questions from you, please, let me know; I'd love to give credit where credit is due. Thanks!

I thought about not posting the questions ('cause I hate to "borrow" and not give credit), but after sitting down last night and answering them myself, I felt they were too beneficial to not share.

I'm all about making new goals (maybe a post for tomorrow?), but I have rarely looked back on the previous year. These questions are a great exercise to help you see where you've been and what you've learned. I hope they will be a fun exercise that will help you focus on what you'd truly like out of 2012.

Without further adieu,

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don't ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you.)

I didn't answer questions 6 & 7; it was my reflection, but if you're interested, I included them because they were on the original list.)

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking.)

8. What were the best books you read this year?

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationship with others?

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

*Side note - my answers to # 5 & 20 took me by surprise and helped me put the year into perspective.

Adios, 2011!

Mother's Sheep

Last night my Muslim Turkish neighbor had the kid's and I over to visit with her guest, a young man who is visiting for the summer to learn English at the local community college.  We had a wonderful time talking about our different cultures and sharing our different perspectives.

At one point in the conversation, he asked me about homeschooling. You could tell that he thought it was highly unusual and was a little confrontational, but after homeschooling for 16 years, it's not like I haven't had to defend explain my choice. I was happy to share my reasons with him, including that I believed that God has uniquely made each of my children and that I can give them time and encouragement to focus on their strengths and God-given talents and abilities.  BTW, I think each of us as parents can do that, no matter what kind of school choice we make.  It was just one of the reasons I stated.

The guest listened politely, but then commented that Rhett was a "mother's sheep."  Through interpretation I realized he was saying that my son was a "Momma's Boy" because he spent all day at home with his Momma.  To a Muslim man, I'm sure it seems that way.  I assured this young man, that although my son (who was sitting right beside me!) was taught at home, he was truly manly. I cited things that my husband had taught him and how he was just about to complete his Eagle Scout award.  Of course, much of the conversation was lost in translation and we had a wonderful time visiting, but I awoke this morning thinking about the connection between last night's conversation and a prayer that was shared in the Father's Day message at church on Sunday.

A Father Prayer by General Douglas MacArthur
(May 1952)

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

Lead him I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength.

Then, I, his father, will dare to whisper, have not lived in vain.

I have spent my life dedicated to mothering a son who will grow into a man of God who will seek the Lord wholeheartedly and be gentle in spirit/strong in character.  I want a son who can do "manly" stuff with the best of them, but be kind enough to have compassion on those who need it.(often his three sisters.) Yes, he's been surrounded by girls day in and day out; that's why we are involved in Boy Scouts. Only men, like my husband and other godly Dad's, can teach our boys how to be the men they're supposed to be, but I can promise you, my son will know the ins-and-outs of living with women.

He's my treasure, but more importantly, He's the sheep of the Lord's, not his Momma's.

Psalm 100:3

Know that the LORD, He is God;It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Right Between the Eyes

Why are we surprised when Satan attacks right after a victory?

I had a few mountain top moments this week and since yesterday, I have been struggling both internally and outwardly. Of course, I'd like to blame it on my monthly cycle, but I know that the Lord gives us victory even over THAT, so I am left without excuse.

This morning I had to pick a new Siesta Verse (see Beth's blog to join) and I wanted to choose Proverbs 29:11, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back."

Yep. That would have been a good one. But somehow it just didn't seem to capture ALL that needed to be held back, so I chose instead,

Ephesians 4:31-32 (New Living Translation)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Jerry Bridges in The Gospel for Real Life tells us in talking about the verse to love our neighbors as yourself (Matt 22:39), that we should cherish them, never show ungodly behavior toward them, that we should be earnest with our interest in them in all ways, that we should never feel superior, and that we should forgive all wrongs.

How are we doing on that?

For me, not so good.

Ok, pretty badly, actually. But it isn't about where we fail, for if we ask forgiveness, the Lord covers it all. I feel terrible for some of my behavior, and certainly need to commit Ephesians 4:31 to heart. (My mom has already drilled into my childhood brain verse 32; thanks mom!) I need to get up off my knees, brush myself off and strive to lean on Him through each moment.

The ranting in my brain needs to not come out of my mouth.
That would be a first step.

Then I need to let the ranting in my head be given fully to the Lord and replace it with Truth!
That's where I want to be.

It seems like a far off place today, but not everyday. Some days there are victories; some days defeat.

It isn't about being perfect.

It's about being His.

How I long for full transformation!

Just Waaay Too Busy!

I just realized a moment ago that I missed my own post party this past weekend. I had read through some great blogs too so you may get a mid-week party or maybe even a two week party next weekend. Who knows.

I have been waaaay too busy. My sanity is shaky. I think. :) I gave my Saturday to helping my son with his Eagle Project, Sunday was given to church and training of new Awana volunteers. Yesterday we had a full day of school, followed by errands to get done for Boy Scouts before they met last night. Then I endured the onslaught of American Heritage Girls registration in the evening. Can't tell you how many times I've cried on someone's shoulder this weekend and said, "I can't keep up this pace."

Today we went to two art classes and then spent the day running errands which included lunch out, a little time at the playground and 2 hours at the library. I feel better now. I just needed my family time back.

My house still looks like it didn't survive a hurricane and the remaining clothes in the drawers/closets is reminding me of poor Mother Hubbard, but my sanity is less shaky and I'm grateful.

I am reading a book on stress management (which I'm sure my cardiologist would be glad to hear) and it mentioned a simple "tool" to use that I put into practice a little bit today and it helped.

The idea is that even if you ARE rushed, as we all are at times, you should tell yourself in the MOMENT YOU ARE IN that you have all the time that you need. Don't tell yourself you don't have time to load the washer, if you are standing there loading the washer.

Hmmm.

You, actually, do have the time, but the mental load you are carrying by telling yourself that you don't have the time drains you of energy and increases your stress level.

I tried it today while driving to the art classes. I ended up singing summer camp songs with my kids and still making it there peacefully and on time.

I tried it while sitting on the park bench waiting for my girls to explore all the areas of the new playground. I did have time to enjoy them climbing, sliding and running instead of constantly looking at my watch trying to figure out how I was going to get it all done.

I won't get it all done. It's never-ending, but I can get the most important things done today in MOMENTS that I'm completely in...trying to enjoy the task at hand.

The rest I just leave in the Lord's hands.

Three Wishes...

Recently on Beth Moore's Living Proof Ministries blog, Beth asked readers to share three wishes. We were to finish the phrase, "If I could, I would..." Commenters were not to be negative with thoughts of redoing past mistakes, but were to look ahead and dream of doing things without regard to money, energy, time or ability. It was all in good fun, but got me to thinking. I perused some of the 1200 comments and many did not ring true for me, but I was caught off guard when I had emotional responses to some of the entries. Could these be my dreams, as well?

I usually try to keep it lighthearted around here, but if I were truly unlimited to do as I wish, I would love to have one or all three of these dreams come true:

1) Build and run an orphanage in a poor country. (Peru?)

2) Own a restaurant with my husband in the town where my daughter goes to college. After closing hours, open the doors to the college students and feed them snacks while we have Bible study and prayer together.

3) Speak to women about their faith - share my journey and encourage them to trust God fully.

Any one of these would fulfill my longing to minister in the name of Christ.

What are your three wishes?

In A Stack...Report # 6 & I'm BACK!

Hello, fellow bloggers; I'm back! After spending three weeks clearing out my grandmother's house it is GOOD to be home!

While I was away I did some leisure reading before bedtime. Today I want to share a summary of a book with you that I have a feeling had a much greater impact on me than I actually realize.

The Walk has piqued my interest in a new series by Richard Paul Evans. The author paints a vivid picture of main character, Alan Christoffersen's, loss. If you have ever experienced a time of great loss in your own life, then Alan's emotional responses will more than likely resonate with you.

At a time when survival is a choice, Alan chooses to take a walk. He packs up the essentials and leaves Seattle to begin his journey to the farthest point on his map: Key West, Florida.

The Walk lays the foundation for this new book series. The journey begins by first crossing Washington state where many interesting characters emerge along the way. This book is chock full of great quotes written in Alan's diary. There are many paragraphs throughout where I mused, "I want to come back and think about this!" The quote that opens chapter three continues to resonate with me.

"The assumption of time is one of humanity's greatest follies. We tell ourselves that there's always tomorrow, when we can no more predict tomorrow than we can the weather. Procrastination is the thief of dreams." Alan Christoffersen's diary

Alan's wife implores him to LIVE! I'm reading this book at a time of heartache and great emotion. When you go through a loved ones possessions you think about their life and you also think about the life you're living. What will you leave behind? What will matter to those who inherit your stuff? What does your stuff say about you and your priorities?

My behavior has changed since returning home. I don't really even know if my family has noticed; I imagine my husband has, but I want to LIVE! Daily life is full of routine, but are you ALIVE while living it? Do you look for beauty in the minutia? Do you stop and take the time to truly express your love? Did you allow the interruption so the needy person knows you care more about them than about what they interrupted?

I'm tired of being afraid of what others will think of me so I bought a bright shirt and wore it to church.

I'm tired of being overwhelmed by the daily tasks that are always there so I do what I can and let the messy living room go one more day.

I'm tired of being tired so I worked out at the gym and followed it up by swimming laps at the local pool. Tonight is yoga with a friend.

I'm tired of not getting out of the house because I'm just too lazy so I took my girls to the library at night.

I'm tired of letting the to-do lists run my life so I have shared intimately with my husband more since coming home. I've stopped to read books to my girls and to watch tv WITH them! I've played games with my big kids and husband.

I've tried to ENJOY my family. We don't have that much time left where we'll be a family of six with a junior in college and a senior in high school. Things will change dramatically in the next few years. I want to ENJOY them all right now. Just as the quote admonishes, tomorrow is no guarantee.

Well, I hope that didn't feel like a sermon. It's just been what's been going through my thoughts these past few days.

Back to the summary: I enjoyed this book. Could ya' tell? It made me want to visit the small towns of Washington and maybe even take a long walk...just not to Florida! :)

I hope you'll go LIVE today and enjoy it!

New Months!

I LOVE new months.

Fresh beginnings.

I've probably blogged about this before, but I REALLY enjoy the changing of the calendar from month to month. I make goals and track them, some more successfully than others. I enjoy the thought that I can begin again on whatever it is I want to change in my life.

I love to learn new things and change old habits.

I love to experience the seasons and celebrate the upcoming celebrations.

I even enjoy the mundane - changing the Britta filter and putting in a new pair of contacts.

My son came down to breakfast today and commented that I was in a good mood. He asked why and I answered, "It's May 1st!" He understood. Crazy mother!

Many may classify me as pessimistic (at least, those who KNOW me), but I think there's a big hopeful side to my personality. I believe that when the Lord said He gives us new mercies each and every day, He meant for us to enjoy the refreshment that comes with new beginnings.

Look for the little joys in what May will bring. I hope it will be refreshing!

Favorite Place

I bet if you ask most women the question, "Where's your favorite get-away?" they would have a ready answer in mind.

I'm not talking about your favorite vacation spot (that would make a great post/conversation). Instead I mean that place you steal away to when the kids have made you crazy or you just need to "regroup."

You may enjoy your favorite place with your spouse or a girlfriend. It may be a coffee shop or library. Maybe it's sitting at your Mom's dining room table or in cozy spot on a porch. Maybe your favorite place is wherever the SALES are. Do you take respite in your garden? Does your favorite place change depending on where your run takes you that day? Wherever your favorite place, you come away refreshed, quieted, energized and ready to face life again.

I'm writing right now from my favorite place. Well, it's one of them at least. (Don't we all have a few?) Some of those places I mentioned above are places I find refreshment, but there is one place that gives me complete contentment...it's in my car.

Don't laugh. Hear me out. At this moment my son is playing classical music at his piano lesson. The beautiful melody is wafting on the breeze where I can hear it through opened windows as I sit in my car curbside. The blossoms smell delicious and the warm sun on my arm (one sunny, one shaded, of course) is just enough to get my vitamin D for the day. Ha!

I LOVE to be alone. When my son attends youth activities one evening a week, I can sit in the parking lot of my church and read magazines, sip Starbucks and watch the sun set. I can catch up on listening to inspiring messages or write a REAL letter to a friend. By the time Rhett comes out to the car at the end of the evening I am so mellow and relaxed it's as if I've been to a spa for the weekend.

There are many favorite places, but almost all of them include the intrusion of others in some way. Sitting in my car enjoying a cool breeze and activity that feeds the soul ALL ALONE is nearly perfect in my world.

What's your favorite place?

Spring Give-Away and One Year Ruminations

This give-away is waaay too cute to miss!

Please, help me celebrate my blogiversary by joining in this springfest. Entries are accepted through 9pm EST Sunday night. Click here for a chance to win!

On another note, the ruminations of a year in blogging:

I'm going through some growing pains, blog-wise. While I enjoy sitting at my computer and randomly reading/commenting into the wee hours of the night, I do not enjoy the effects on my life that this behavior evokes. A year ago I began blogging to exercise my daily writing desire and to have a place to put my organizational tips. I loved journaling, but had no outlet for sharing my thoughts. I wanted to improve my content and writing ability. At times I think I've done that, at other times I wonder if there has been any progress at all. Can you identify with that? Did you start out with a blogging purpose and somehow get off-track? Or maybe it just morphed into something unexpected. Are you good with where your blogging has taken you?

I can't tell you how many times I've run across a new blogger and within months they are a mini-blogging superstar with buku followers. I then ask myself what am I doing/not doing that allows that to happen. I get a little green-eyed, feel the guilt, celebrate their progress, and re-examine why I'm in the blogosphere anyway. Does that happen to anyone else? I think this behavior has been the # 1 contributor to my lack of purpose. I get the "I wanna be like them" blues and then don't end up being myself. Can you relate? Anyone?

I have tried connecting with fellow bloggers (and I truly love some of you like we've known each other forever!), but I worry that my comments might be snarky while I'm just trying to be funny. I question my humility and wonder if "pride" is the theme of my blog. Just admitting those things to you, makes me wonder "How transparent am I, really?" I seem to lack self-esteem and obviously, like the rest of us who try something new, I'm in-process of finding out more about myself. I just have a blog window to view the transformation. Sometimes I like what I see, other times I don't.

I've gotten a little carried away lately with spending an inordinate amount of time in the blog world. I miss the real world. I'm sure being snowed under during the worst winter in DC has been a factor, but I really dislike excuses. I haven't been reading as much as I would like. I haven't played with my girls as much as I would like. I haven't kept up with the house or renewed my spirit with leisure activities as much as I would like, because I am vegged out in front of the computer. This is not the life I want. I want to share that REAL life with you all, but that means that I have to get up from the chair and go LIVE it. That looks differently for each of us and I am not trying to induce guilt on any of my readers. I am a busy mom who homeschools, works part-time, crafts, reads, cooks, writes, teaches choirs/band outside the home, etc. What may seem like too much time on the computer for me is just pittance for you retired ladies. I look forward to that time in my life, but it isn't right now. So...no guilt, girls! I'm just sharing what's been going on inside ME.

I went to the library yesterday and came out with so many books I had to carry them to the car in two loads. I do miss reading! I got a variety of books on topics like blogging, psychology, digital photography, creativity, and home organization. I think I'm looking for a little purpose and perspective. I want my blog to be about something, even if it's about ALL the different things I enjoy. I just want to be true to myself as I write into my second year. I want to budget my blogging time so that I actually have non-computer time to spend on the activities and people that are important to me. Then I want to come back and share. What success comes or does not come won't matter if I'm purposeful in my living and sharing of it all.

Introspection is my friend. I'm hoping that as I take a little time in the next few weeks to think about what my blogging purpose is that something creative and worth sharing will emerge. If I'm a little more quiet, you can rest assured that I won't be MIA for long. Just trying to think of ways to share my heart and life in a way that is authentic.

Thanks for hanging out with me this year. I have a fondness for each of you and you have enriched my life by our interaction. Looking forward to more sweet times together!

A Beat Yourself Up Monday!

**Update** Have you ever vented and then realized the spiritual truth after "marinating" on what you said/wrote.... Wow, my focus is so self-centered and my "strength" is birthed from SELF-reliance instead of reliance on the Lord. Yes, we've all had THOSE days, but who was I trying to please? Myself? Those around me?(Mainly my own unrealistic expectations.) Did I even once on Monday stop and ask the Lord, "What do YOU want me to do next?" Nope. What a shame. Often I don't even begin in the right place as I face the day. Oh, I'll have my devotions and then set my "spiritual stuff" aside and face the physical tasks that await, BUT I have a LONG WAY to go on abiding in Christ-leaning on Him through each moment of the day. I STRIVE so hard to DO instead of RELY...to, in a moment of uncertainty, need, confusion, fear or whatever the emotion...to stop (even if just mentally and not physically) and just ask for the guidance or clarity or whatever it is that HE knows I need. Yep, practicing the presence of the Lord in my life moment by moment...that's what I need most of all. Colossians 1:17 states it succinctly, "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." ALL THINGS...

I thought I'd double post today. Hope you don't mind. :)

All day today I've been mentally beating myself up because I just couldn't get accomplished all I had set out to do. Of course, the list was a mile long and would actually take me a week + to finish it, but my mind was shoving that little reality tidbit into the abyss of self-loathing. (Don't worry, I don't plan to be this depressing much longer.) It was like running in quick-sand. The more I would move the more I seemed to be drowning in the "to do's" of the day. We've all had days like this...my first choice - put on my "stack list" a book about life management. I know it's a good book; I've already read it a few times. Ha!

Anyway, I fussed, fumed, did a little yelling at innocent bystanders, almost had a good cry (that might have been more productive) and then ate. None of which seemed to rescue me from drowning, duh! In the few moments I had driving tonight, I realized that I was beating myself up for having given my time and energy away to a host of other people last week. Something I thoroughly enjoyed and wouldn't have changed. I cooked, entertained and chauffeured, but, no, I didn't iron, launder, clean, pay bills, plan the school week, buy groceries for this week or even purchase the items I needed for tonight's meeting in a timely fashion. I missed friend's birthdays - sorry, friends, if you are reading this - but I spent quality time with my sister-in-law who very soon will be moving literally half way around the world. I made the best choice last week and so this week I WILL NOT beat myself up for "being behind." Those daily/weekly chores will always be there, but the times to nurture our relationships may not.

So...when you are "behind" on things take a look around at the people you love and ask yourself, "Do they know by how I've spent my time that they mean the world to me?" Then just plug away at that endless list and someday...someday you will see light at the end of the tunnel.

Blessed!

Have you ever just had a day where you felt blessed? Generally, I am more pessimistic than optimistic so when I have a day that I just feel like "bursting with joy" it surprises me. :)

Life is quiet at the moment (which usually means that something is just around the corner, right?), but I'm determined to enjoy it today. My house is clean, my kids are well, my husband is kind, my extended family is safe...Ha! I like how I put "my house is clean" right up there with all my family. It's just such an anomaly that the house is ALL THE WAY clean that I'm feeling blessed by it. Silly!

Tomorrow the kids and I travel to my sister-in-law's house for an overnight visit. My mom-in-law, who lives in CA, will be there visiting. I am SO looking forward to being with these women...two of my favorite in the world! I love being with them, because no matter what they are facing (and right now they are facing some big challenges) they face them head-on with grace and amazing faith. They are women I wish you all could know. Yes, we'll have a bunch of "monkey children" to look after while we visit, but the Lord has gifted us with some warm weather tomorrow so we'll put them outside and let them enjoy each other too!

Do you have a friend that you're thankful for? I received an email from a friend just telling me how much I encourage her. Why don't we tell those we are most thankful for how much they mean to us more often? I am so blessed to have friends who love me despite my flaws and forgive me when I have not been a good friend to them. Think about who blesses you with friendship and tell one of them how much they mean to you...and soon! You'll be blessed by sharing the love, I'm sure.

I'm so thankful for prayer. I love knowing that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have friends who are facing the death of loved ones, family facing financial struggles, illnesses and giant spiritual battles. I have concerns for my children, my family's future and my own spiritual life. In ALL THESE THINGS, God is faithful.

Psalm 108:4 For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Psalm 117:2 For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD.

We don't have to do life on our own! I can't imagine living without the knowledge that God has my life in His hands and if I entrust it to Him He will faithfully see it through to the end and beyond.

Well...as I write I have a daughter who decided to clean her ears with a q-tip and now has two bleeding ears. That quiet didn't last too long, but I hope you'll, also, be able to see the blessings of today somewhere along the way!

What to do?!

Today I'm really overwhelmed by all that I have to get done...(so of course, I blog first! ha!) The schooling, cleaning, laundry/ironing, shopping, exercising, studying for two Bible studies, communicating with extended family, paying the bills...it seems like it's all calling at once. Of course, last week's "vacation from life" to conquer my desk is one of the contributing factors, but I am often struggling to find balance.

I started a Bible study on Esther at my church last week. We meet on Wednesday nights and I was amazed at the women's responses to the upcoming study. Everyone who shared was transparent about how difficult it is being a woman and how they were looking forward to gaining some insight by studying Esther in depth. Every woman in the room didn't share the same difficulties, but it was comforting to be reminded that all of us have our challenges. I don't know if Esther will lend itself to any answers about how to find balance in my life (she lived at a day spa, for goodness sake!), but I do know that Esther will point me back to the One that has the answers.

I'm going to bathe the day in prayer and just keep moving. I'm sure the Lord will help me do the necessary things and the rest...I just need to leave in His hands.

PS...I love the irony of my last post saying I Can Do Anything and this one What to do?! I'm just reminded of the verse..."I can do all things through Christ..." (not through ME)

Awe Inspiring

I had to drive Rhett to our church yesterday afternoon during the evening rush hour to catch his bus for a winter camp weekend. I do not enjoy Washington D.C. traffic! It is one of the things Washingtonians get to lament about and rightly so. After dropping him off I had the pleasure of spending 45+ minutes on the beltway with the other crazies, but added to my pleasure were two small people in the seats behind me questioning when all of this driving would be over. A question I was asking myself!

My husband had called to say that he was already home and I struck a deal to drop the girls off and steal away for a few minutes to the library before it closed early. He agreed. I got a couple of books and sat in the car perusing them...just enjoying the quiet. I began driving home and was waiting at a stop light when I noticed the glorious sunset over the clock tower of the library. The upper atmosphere was a deep blue and the white swaths of intermittent clouds seemed stationary. They looked like a painter had used a wide brush to lay his strokes against the far-away canvass. In the lower atmosphere there was "a storm a brewin'." The white fluffy clouds were moving across the sky and I thought, "they're going to get to where they're going faster than I will." All of this splendor was bathed with a pink/melon colored hue that was awe inspiring!

I then began thinking about how people are drawn to sunsets. There is a lot of beauty in the world, but we as human beings seem inexpressibly drawn especially to sunsets. I know when I look upon one, I feel a peace and calmness. I'm mesmerized by the colors and the quickly fading sun. In my heart I express to God my thankfulness for the days He has given me and enjoy the peaceful moment to remember that the coming and going of the sun are in His hands.

Often my favorite sunsets are at the beach. I think that is true for many people. In those moments I think about the vastness of the ocean and how big and awesome creation expresses it's Creator. As I get older, I appreciate all that He has made more and more. Psalm 19 says it best:

1 The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
4 Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat.

Then the passage transitions to the well-known verses about God's testimony. Although I generally do not care for The Message, in this instance I like how the verses on God's testimony seem so seamless to the previous verses about His creation.

7-9
The revelation of God is whole and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are right, showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree.

God displays Himself to us everyday. Sometimes I think it just takes a sunset to help us realize it. Challenge yourself to look at how He is revealing Himself to you today!

(last sunset of 2008 on a Florida beach)